


Placebo

by scbistg



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Insecure Felix, M/M, Not that angsty actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 08:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13520625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scbistg/pseuds/scbistg
Summary: “I want.. Changbin hyung's confidence.” Felix says in broken korean.“Eh?” Changbin looks up to him from where he’s sitting on the floor. “You want what?” a hand reaching to rest on Felix's knee as he asks, half amused.Or, where Felix is struggling and Changbin just might have the thing he needs.





	Placebo

 

 

Placebo noun pla·ce·bo \ plə-ˈsē-(ˌ)bō \  
plural placebos  
1 a : a usually pharmacologically inert preparation prescribed more for the mental relief of the patient than for its actual effect on a disorder  
b : an inert or innocuous substance used especially in controlled experiments testing the efficacy of another substance (such as a drug)  
2 : something tending to soothe

 

 

 

 

 

“I want.. Changbin hyung's confidence.” Felix says in broken korean.

"Confidence...uh.. co-confidance?" he backpedals, glancing at Chan by habit incase the fellow aussie who stayed in Korea much longer than him wants to correct his pronunciation. But Chan nods, and Felix takes that as a small victory.  
  
“Eh?” Changbin looks up to him from where he’s sitting on the floor. “You want what?” a hand reaching to rest on Felix's knee as he asks, half amused.   
  
Felix swallows, feeling eight pairs of eyes on him. They had just finished dinner, and conversations that follows leads into talking about what trait they wished they have from another member.

 _Hyunjin’s face_ . Jisung says without preamble. Hyunjin acknowledges with a chin tilt and a satisfied smirk. _When he’s learning from me, he has this sincere look of a diligent student._ Jisung adds with laughter, dodging an arm swat from Hyunjin.

 _Minho’s hyung dancing sense._ Jeongin chirps in, earning a side hug from Minho who sits beside him. _Nonsense, you’ll be better than me in no time_ , Minho smiles to the maknae.   
  
"Why Changbin's though? " Chan asks, playing the mc part still even though they already done recording. “It’s a bit surprising, isn’t it?”

Changbin interjects at this, throwing a questioning glance at Chan, amusement dripping in his voice when he asks. “Why why why? Why should it be surprising? I do have a healthy level of confidence.”

"It's the sweeegg, isn’t it?" Woojin laughs from where he’s perched on the armrest of their dorm sofa.  
  
"Oh i have swag too!" Jisung raises his arm, sweeping the room with his smile.  "and i’m very confident, thank you. I can share you confidence." He sends Felix a wink while doing the gun pointing part of gashina.   
  
Seungmin shakes his head at this, "Don’t believe him, all he ever shared me is his trash." Some of the boys starts chuckling at his words, Hyunjin is full blown laughing and it fuels Seungmin to elaborate,  "Plastic wrappings here, empty package box there, a half pair of socks on my chair, i thought i’m gonna die cleaning his mess."   
  
" Yeah no hang on but--.. didn’t i also shared you what’s inside the box? which are cookies. Which should give me cookie points!" Jisung defends himself more in apparent delight than embarrassment, " and to be fair, the socks were Felix's by the way." he says lightly.   
  
"Ah speaking of Felix’s socks, i found a pair in my room too.” Scratching his chin, Chan speaks up again.   
  
"I found a pair in my laundry bundle." Minho shares with a chuckle.   
  
"Felix, maybe what you really need is Changbin hyung's laundry hamper, you know, for all your scattered socks." Hyunjin nudges him, snickering.   
  
"No way, that Prada laundry bag? I checked it online it’s really too expensive for dirty socks aah there’s a lot of branded briefs though, you know how Changbin hyung likes to wear pretty underwears." Jeongin comments with all his innocence and everyone explodes in laughter once again.

“Yahh Jeongin-aah.. Stop checking my laundry..” Changbin shouts, the tip of his ears turning red in embarrassment as he tries to reach for the maknae but Minho is quick to pull Jeongin out of his reach.

“Don’t get angry.” Minho reminds Changbin.

“Hyung, the whole world knows you like wearing pretty underwear, you kind of announced it yourself on broadcast.” Seungmin reminds him, at this point Hyunjin is dying with laughter and Changbin looks like he’s done with the world.  
  
Felix laughs with them, feeling silly now for giving his answer in the first place. It’s just that...he likes the way Changbin always looks so sure of himself when he’s performing, and not being a bundle of nervous mess like Felix is.

Actually he wanted to ask Changbin what his secret was, if there’s any secret at all, but the topic is fast forgotten because Jisung is on about something again and Seungmin quips, erupting another waves of laughter from the boys. Through the ruckus, between Hyunjin giving Jisung a forehead flick and Jeongin clapping like a baby penguin, Felix catches Changbin briefly glancing at him. 

 

~  
  
  
It's tiring.

  
When he breaks the news to his family about this korean entertainment company wanting to bring him to korea, hone his talent and maybe possibly debut him and launch him into stardom, his mother was quick to say no. _What if it's a human trafficking syndicate for young boys_ , his mother had said. His father was more on the rational side but still a bit skeptical. After a few long hours of meetings with JYPE representatives, his mother finally asks him, _is this what you want?_ and Felix had said yes at the time, anticipation and excitement bubbling warm in his chest.

 

It won't be easy. His father warns him, but Felix’s mind was set.

 

His father was right.

 

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Felix only finds a pitiful sight. He’s out of breath from all the dancing practice the past hours, he’s lacking sleep from the late night study, he’s been warned not to use english so much when talking to the other boys so that his korean will hopefully improve faster but it just leads him to talk less and feeling frustrated more. He doesn’t feel like himself while everything around  him seems to be moving in double speed, everyone trying to be better with more practices,  more lessons, more recordings. Felix feels lost in all the commotion.

 

And that’s why he’s still here. On the floor with his back against the wall in one of their practice rooms. He knows he should be going, get some shower and prepare for his rap lesson, and after that he need to work on his 3:3:3 unit with Changbin and Minho. They already have the beat and rhythm but they still have to work on the lyrics and overall feel of the song. Still, his feet won’t budge, and his entire body feels like heavy lead. So Felix decides to take a few more minutes to rest. He must’ve dozed off because he didn’t hear anyone entering the room, only waking up from the sudden jolt of something falling on him.

  
"What's this?"

  
  
Felix lifts the item Changbin throws on his lap questioningly.

  
  
"You said you wanted it." Changbin drops to sit beside him. He smells good, or maybe Felix’s nose is just grateful to sniff something other than his own sweat and desperation.

 

“When did i say that?” Felix brings the the item closer and inspects it. It’s a regular snapback, made in synthetic leather, black because of course that’s what Changbin likes. But Felix could get a similar cap like this anywhere in Seoul, why would he want one of Changbin’s, one that’s obviously worn, Felix thinks as his thumb brushes over a scuff mark at the back of the cap.

 

“Back then, when i’m not sure of myself, i put this on,” Changbin reaches to take the hat from Felix’s fingers and wears it, “Pull the brim low enough to hide my eyes, and suddenly i feel like i can take over the world.”

 

Felix can only see half of Changbin’s face with the way he wear the snapback, from the tip of his nose, down to his philtrum to lips that are curled into a cocky smirk. Lips that had kissed him yesterday, on the cheek, in the midst of being playful and brave.

 

“When you need to, just put it on.” Changbin takes the hat off, and then hooks it on Felix’s head in one smooth move.

 

Felix can feel a smile breaking across his face when Changbin pulls the brim low like he did for himself, he can’t dampen the warmth spreading in his heart even if he tries. Changbin remembers his silly wish. Changbin doesn't think his silly wish was silly at all or else he wouldn't be here.

 

“Thankyouuu hyungieee.” Felix coos, latching to Changbin’s side instinctively, hugging the older’s arm and pressing his cheeks on Changbin’s shoulder with the biggest smile on his face.

 

“Yah..yah get off.. you're so sweaty.”

 

Felix can hear Changbin protesting, but he notices that other than mumbling a string of complaints, this hyung does absolutely nothing to try shaking him off.

 

So Felix just hugs tighter.

 

~

  


“ Can you do it one more time? you got all the wordings but hyung’s flow is still a bit awkward.” Changbin points at his laptop screen to show Minho exactly where he finds the problem, “here, this part. Let me hear hyung do it again.”

 

Felix glances up to his two teammate, Changbin has a hand on the small of Minho’s back while they’re hunching over Changbin’s laptop. It’s something trivial, a comforting gesture from one member to the other, and looking from Changbin’s expression it seems he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it, only focusing on guiding Minho finding his rap flow.  Felix has been rapping quietly on his own, he’s reading his own notes, carefully maneuvering the pronunciation of each words. He can say them fine, kind of, but saying them fast _and_ clear is still a challenge. He wants to ask Changbin for more pointers but Minho looks more flustered with more hours they practiced. Felix doesn’t want to disturb them, but he is distracted. The hand resting on Minho’s back, Felix can’t help but stares at it, the assuring way it presses against Minho, the gentle way Changbin taps his fingers to help Minho with the beat. Felix can feel an odd feeling stirring in him, it makes him want--,.. _.something_. Something from Changbin? Something for Changbin to do? Something for Changbin to stop doing?

 

The feeling turns into a pang of discomfort in his chest, knotted tight and lodging unpleasant with the longer he watches the two. Felix is perplexed by this sudden feeling, wonders what could’ve caused it? and _why?_ He’s thinking hard, stares even harder, and only realising belatedly that Changbin is staring back now.  

 

“Ah..” Felix blinks, startled. “ I was..uh..”

 

Changbin raises an eyebrow up questioningly, Minho stops rapping to look at him, and suddenly Felix needs some fresh air.

 

He clears his throat, “ I was.. Thinking to get some more water..” He fakes an excuse, standing up and moving to the door, “ anybody else want?” He asks, going out the door before anyone can actually give an answer.

 

He stumbles into Chan outside.

 

“You okay?” Chan asks him, “You’re kind of pale.”

 

 _I’m okay._ Felix thinks of saying, but this is Chris, and he can’t lie in front of him. He never had a reason to. “My chest hurts.” He tells Chan, pressing his hand on the part where it aches, which is over his heart.

 

“Eh? Do you need to get it checked? Want me to go with you to the company’s clinic?”

 

“Yo, Chan hyung.” Hyunjin pokes his head from Chan’s room, and then Seungmin appears behind him.

 

Felix only notices now that there’s papers with scribbles in Chan’s hand, notes and rap lines written and rewritten with red ink.

 

“I’m fine.” Felix says, because everyone is struggling, everyone is preparing for tomorrow's mission, and he doesn’t want to take anyone’s time. “I’m probably just too nervous.” he reasons.

 

It’s a good enough reason for Chan, because he nods at that, leaving Felix after patting him on the shoulder with a _fighting, mate._

 

Felix was watching Chan walking back into his room when he remembers it. And the next second he was in his own room, digging into his shelves to find what he’s looking for. He runs his fingers along the brim, the leather smooth against his fingertips, the color black as night. After a moment of hesitation, he tries it on his head, the snapback Changbin gave him, pulling the brim low just like how Changbin showed him. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Felix remembers the smile Changbin wears on his face when he gave him the hat, and Felix can feel a strange sense of calmness washing over him. The knots are still there, but at least his chest doesn’t feel as stuffy as before. Felix breathes deeply and went back to the practice room.

 

If Changbin has any thoughts on seeing Felix coming into the practice room wearing his snapback (and not actually bringing any water at all), he doesn't say it. Doesn’t mean he didn't do anything about it though, because Felix can feel Changbin’s gaze lingering even after he sits down in his corner and starts practicing his lines again.

 

~

  


Minho was eliminated.

 

Felix doesn’t know which one is worse, watching Minho gather his belonging - bundles included-, and walking out of their dorm, or seeing the empty part of the room he left behind; Minho was smiling when he said goodbye, always smiling because Minho doesn't want to bring the rest of the boys’ mood down and he doesn't want them to worry for him . Felix just want to hug him and tell him they’re sad that he’s leaving and they are worried of how he feels and how this will affect him, because he’s Minho, _he’s their Minho god damn it_ , and they were suppose to do this together, chasing the same dream and debuting on the same stage. But when Minho’s smile twitches,  Felix realises Minho is holding himself up with every bit of strength he got, and every touch could make him crumble. So Felix hugs himself instead, forces a smile that matches Minho’s, and says his goodbyes.

 

Changbin laughs and Changbin smiles and Changbin aegyos for the cameras like how he used to, like the way he knows how. But when he thinks no one is watching him, when the camera points elsewhere and everyone’s attention is anywhere but him, his eyes dims and he goes quiet.

 

Felix noticed the way Changbin held on Minho’s arm before, after their performance where Minho stumbled on his line. He told Minho _it’s okay, it’s not the end_ , but he’s gripping Minho’s arm like it’s a lifeline, that if his grip gets loose, Minho would drift away and disappear.

 

“It’s not your fault.” Felix finally blurts out when they bump into each other in the corridor.

 

Changbin looks at him and knows exactly what Felix is on about. “ Is it? Really?” He asks Felix, and it’s heartbreaking to see the confusion in him, the ugly guilt eating him from the inside since elimination day.

 

 _It’s really not your fault._ Felix wants to say to him, cheer him up maybe, but even he can't ignore that nagging voice telling him if only he'd spare more time to practice lines with Minho instead of just relying on Changbin to guide them through, if only he wasn’t too focused on his own part, too fixated with his own thoughts. If only he hadn't been so selfish.

 

Felix feels like crying, his throat clogging and tears welling up, the corner of his lips already quivering. “It’s not. Really, it’s not.. “ Felix wipes the tears sliding down his cheeks.

 

Changbin looks conflicted at this, at Felix and his stubborn tears. “ Dont cry.” He rasps, lifting his hand and reaches forward and for a moment Felix thought Changbin was going to touch his face, but Changbin stops mid air, shoves both of his hands deep into the front pockets of his jeans. _“Arasseo_ ” he murmurs, turning his face, and walks away.

  


~

  


Felix always considers himself a fast learner. By the first month he’s in Korea he already got the basic dance moves covered, even earning a praise from their dance trainer who said he has a good sense of rhythm and footings. His vocal trainer praises him for the color of his voice and states that he has potential. Changbin said his rap was not bad, it only sounds strange because of the messy mispronunciation he oftenly does. That’s where the problem lies. This language thingymajiggy.

 

It’s not that Felix cant speak korean, because he can,...to some extent. It’s just that he’s used to mix english and korean at home, english being the bigger part, but still, he can understand korean when he’s being spoken to. _A bit._

 

It was kind of funny at first, some sort of an ice breaker so to speak, that makes people laughs and thus making things more comfortable after Felix mispronounced or misheard things. But after their visit to YG where Yang Hyun Suk himself nips at his lacking grasp on Korean language, Felix realises he should push more efforts in.

 

So he puts in more hours, going to sleep late and waking up early to study even more than usual. Dark circles and eyebags are easily concealed by makeup, Felix thinks. That’s what they did with his freckles anyway, he thinks again, begrudgingly this time. He likes his freckles. He’d wear them clear and proud. But makeup noona said it’s a big no-no to have dark spots on his face. _Stains,_ she called them. His precious freckles were called stains. Felix whimpers.

 

“I like it. “ Changbin appears out of nowhere, crowding into Felix’s personal space unapologetically when he leans in to get a closer look on Felix’s complexion.

 

“Right? It’s good, right?” He prods to bait more approving comments from Changbin in hope that make up noona will let him wear his freckles.

 

“It’s--” Changbin catches his eyes, and Felix might’ve imagined seeing a flicker there when Changbin continues, “ It’s like constellations… only dark.”

 

 _I love dark._ Suddenly Changbin’s voice from the past echoes inside Felix’s head.  “Right?” Felix prompts again, his voice trembling only slightly, thank god.

 

Changbin’s lingering gaze on him is intense, and Felix realises that stage charisma Changbin wears whenever they perform? That’s not some sort of cloak the older puts on and takes off in terms of stage only, because Felix feels it right now, droning down on him despite the fact that Changbin is the shorter one. It sends his head into a buzz, having Changbin focusing solely on him like this, his pupils moving like he’s trying to map out Felix’s face, trace his freckles to see where they start and where the last fleck ends. Then Felix sees it, the way Chanbin’s gaze drops low to his lips. It’s only for a moment, no longer than a breath take, then the moment is gone.

 

“Eh, it’s okay.” Changbin flicks his glance back up, retracks, quick and flat, shutting off whatever he’s sending Felix earlier. Suddenly he’s back being Changbin again, easy emotion on his face as he waits for his turn for makeup, and it takes approximately three seconds before he starts singing loudly about wanting to eat jokbal.

 

It works though, makeup noona doesn’t conceal his freckles as much like before, even stating that it looks strangely good on him, murmuring _ahh so handsome_ once in a while as she does his makeup. She’s usually only like that when she’s with Hyunjin.

 

Changbin’s jokbal song is joined by Jisung now, who enthusiastically does ad libs for the impromptu song. Felix saunters over when he’s done with, Jeongin sitting on the makeup chair after him. A mini fan in hand, Felix sits close to Changbin and Jisung, donating a few dabs here and there to the song. He grins to Changbin, showing his less concealed freckles.

 

He can pinpoint the moment Changbin realises this, because his small narrowed eyes widens slightly and the sight of it fills Felix heart with a different sense of glee, unknown, but not unfamiliar. There are times he catches himself feeling this way, elated by something Changbin said or done. Felix welcomes it, it’s not an uncomfortable feeling after all. On the contrary, Felix likes it, can feel that he’s grown greedy of it because he wants to revel in it, draws it longer when he can.

 

The moment dies when Changbin opens his mouth. “Bbijik-ahh, look at how good you look. _Aigooo, yeppeo ~_  Woojin hyung, look how pretty our Bbijik Bbijik is.“

 

“Don’t call him Bbijik.” Jisung chortles.

 

“Eyyy.. you gonna make him sulk again.” Woojin says, looking in the mirror while fixing his bangs.

 

Felix pouts, standing up and leaving the spot. He can hear Changbin calling him, laughter lacing his every word, “Bbijik-ahh.. Bbijik-aaahh.. Don’t get angry.. Bbijik-aah don’t leave me alone.. Ah Jisungie.. You’re leaving too? Ah.. so lonely.. Binnie binnie is so loneeeely..~~”

 

~

  


Their next mission is a busking event, performing live in front of a real audience. Any kind of mistake will be obvious because is not like they can just cut scene and edit out the bloopers. Felix feels uneasy. Last time, he’s in danger of elimination, him and Jeongin both. He knows Jeongin is nervous too, the youngest of them spending hours and hours in vocal training to polish his voice.

 

Felix? Felix feels like he’s hitting a wall.

Having his Korean as a weak point, he struggles to get it right. The thing is, his pronunciation is okay when he focuses on it, but because he focuses on the words, his rap flow gets messed up. If he concentrates on the flow of his rapping, and with the small luck that he has, manages to keep from getting his tongue twisted, he’s unable to keep the beat count for the dance moves. If he concentrates on his dance moves, and hopefully keep his flow in check, his pronunciation goes to shit. There’s no middle way, there really isn’t any.

 

He really wants to do well, and after hours and hours of pushing himself harder, frustration and fatigue finally comes down hard on him. Felix is tired, physically and mentally, he wants to rest but he can’t, not yet, not when he’s still lacking so much.

 

Unable to withstand the burden in his heart, Felix breaks down crying in the practice room. He lets the tears flow long enough until he feels lighter, and as his head clears slowly, Felix remembers Changbin’s snapback again. It helps calming him down last time he wears it. So he wipes his nose and trudges out to get it.

 

It’s amazing how just by holding the snapback in his hand, most of Felix’s fears dissipates. Changbin was not kidding when he said the snapback helps him a lot. It’s probably some kind of lucky charm sort of thing. Right now Felix can feel a speck of hope sprouting in his chest. He will do his best, that’s all he can give, and hope it’ll be enough to get him through.

 

“Not going to sleep yet?”

 

Felix stops in his tracks. The lights are off but the he can still recognize the figure walking from the kitchen.

 

Changbin is in sweatpants and a sleeveless ratty tshirt, ( knowing Changbin, it’s most probably one of the high end brand that is _designed_ to look ratty, and not an actual worn one) He has a mug in his hand, warm steam swirling above it as the thick smell of chocolate teases Felix’s nose.

 

As if he understands, Changbin offers the mug to Felix. “You want? it’s my last one.” he says, and when Felix hesitates he adds in that pinched voice of his, “ Get some sugar in your system before you practice again.”

 

Felix doesn't need to be told twice and reaches for the mug. It’s sweet and decadent, the smooth flow of chocolate is hot enough to spread warmth all over his body but not too hot that it burns his tongue. He licks his lips after a few gulps, returning the now half filled mug to its owner.

 

“Thanks, you’re staying up too?”

 

Changbin is watching him, his eyes placid and observant. Felix wonders if Changbin can see the tear marks on his cheeks, or his swollen eyes, at this point it’s impossible not to miss it. But Changbin makes no comment on it, instead he just shrugs, “Hyunjin is snoring again. I’m sleeping on the couch. “

 

“ He must be so tired.” Felix murmurs.

 

“Jeongin already with his earplugs and Jisung--, well, Jisung can sleep through a hurricane.”

 

“Ah, yeah.” Felix chuckles, dropping his gaze to the floor. “You can use my bed if you want.” he offers.

 

“Seungmin will kick me out in a fraction of a second.” Changbin muses, lifting the mug and taking a sip. It shouldn't bother Felix that he’s drinking it from the same exact spot where Felix had latched his lips earlier, but it’s just too hard not to be mesmerised when Changbin presses his lips against the ceramic mug. It’s…it’s an indirect kiss isn’t it?

 

The realisation detonates a small bomb inside Felix’s chest, or at least it feels that way. His heart too stunned to remember beating, and it’s suddenly too hot, Felix can feel his cheeks burning.

 

“Seungmin won't.” Clearing his voice (and his head), Felix grips the snapback tighter in his hand, he doesn't have time to feel this way, doesn't have time to wonder _why_ he feels this way, not with elimination being so close.

 

“You’re not coming?” Changbin asks. “You’ve been inside the practice room for hours.”

 

Felix knows Changbin can act silly, he can laugh and play for the cameras, or just for plain fun with the boys. But right now, this Changbin asking him is holding his age with ultimate decorum, looking every bit like the hyung that he is.

 

“Just a couple more hours.” Felix answers him, the smooth surface of synthetic leather in his hand pushing his anxiousness away.

 

Changbin glances at the wall clock, it’s 4 am already. “ You can’t function without any sleep _at all_ , you do know that, right?”

 

Felix nods, “Just _one_ more hour.” he bargains.

 

Changbin’s eyes falls to the snapback in Felix’s hand and he looks like he wants to say something, but he only nods at the end, and Felix takes it as a sign to dart back into the practice room.

 

Felix practices for two more hours before he walks into his room, still dark with how the blinds are drawn closed despite the sun coming out. He takes off the snapback and after mulling it over, decides to keep it in a backpack that he’ll bring into the event today, knowing he’ll need it later.

 

“Oh...you’re here?” Somebody croaks, voice heavy with sleep and without even turning around Felix _knows._ Changbin is in his bed.

 

He actually took up Felix’s offer and Seungmin really didn’t kick him out ( most probably because Seungmin is too tired to do so, Felix thinks) .

 

“You don’t have to get up. I’ll...i’ll sleep somewhere else.” Felix says when the blanket rustles and Changbin stirs underneath.

 

“It’s okay. I’ll go to Chan hyung’s room.” Changbin yawns, eyes still closed.

 

“No no. it’s fine, i’ll go to Chan hyung’s room.” Felix insists.

 

“Yah bastards, _i’ll_ go to Chan hyung’s room if you two won’t shut up.” Seungmin croaks from his top bunk. It’s not often Felix hears Seungmin curses, so he’s kind of in awe. Changbin only winces though.

 

“Come here.” Changbin motions Felix to the bed. He scoots closer to the wall and pulls the cover for Felix to come inside. In which Felix does.

 

His bed is small, so Felix lays on his side in order to fit, snuggles close until he’s pressed against Changbin just because he can (this is Changbin after all) and wraps his arm around the older’s middle with ease. Changbin’s skin is heated where Felix nuzzles his face on the older’s exposed shoulder, and the earthy warm scent coming from him envelops Felix in a cocoon of comfort and safety. Felix feels so relaxed, his anxious thoughts ebbing away, all the worrying voices in his head melting like snow under the sun at the touch of Changbin’s warm skin. He’s already drifting to sleep when Changbin asks him, _Why didn’t you tell me?_ with voice hushed low like he’s whispering a well kept secret.

 

“Tell you what?” Felix answers, feeling the way Changbin shivers slightly when he mumbles his words against the older’s bare shoulder. Maybe Changbin is cold, Felix’s too sleepy to think of any different reasons.

 

“Why didn’t you ask me to help, for tomorrow?”

 

By tomorrow Changbin probably means today, but even that is still a few hours away.

 

Felix opens his eyes and finds Changbin watching him with this rare subdued look in his eyes, gentle almost. Why didn’t he asked for Changbin’s help? Maybe because Changbin already has Hyunjin in his hands earlier. Felix saw it, noticed the same stare in Changbin’s eyes, the same supporting gestures as he guides Hyunjin finding his flow and helps with his vocalisation, the same concern and responsibility he showed Minho back then. Maybe it’s a chance of redemption for Changbin, that’s why he was being meticulous with Hyunjin. Also, Chan keeps on approaching him about their busking mission, and as one of the remaining hyung line, Changbin and Woojin helps Chan holds the fort, making sure nothing goes awry for them. Felix just couldn’t find it in him to disturb Changbin with his insecurities. Not when Changbin already has so much in his hands. Felix has the charmed snapback Changbin gives him anyway, so he figures he can manage.

 

“I can manage.” Felix tells him, giving Changbin a sleepy grin before setting his cheeks deeper in their shared pillow.

 

Felix might have dreamt this but he feels a hand resting on his head a little later, carding his hair with what could only be called affection.

 

“Stupid boy.” Changbin murmurs in a single breath, before he too surrenders to sleep.

 

~

 

“No way.” Felix’s eyes widens. He goes through the stuff piling on the table in their waiting tent. Makeup noona’s bags taking most of the space, some magazines, boxes of dosirak, but he can’t find his backpack.

 

He asks one of the staffs for it, _yes, the backpack i came in with, before getting makeup done_ but the guy only stares at him blankly and shrugs.

 

“Try asking one of the coordi staffs.” Another staff he asked says, and that’s actually a good idea, maybe one of the staffs thought that his bag was one of the props? So Felix runs to wardrobe, and despite coordi noonas naggings, he tries to look for the snapback. He eventually finds his bag, buried under jackets and scarfs, but it was empty.

 

“What is it? Did you lose your wallet? Is your wallet there?” One noona asks in concern.

 

Felix shakes his head, it’s not his wallet, it’s something far more valuable. His fingers are trembling. He can’t believe it. He lost Changbin’s charmed snapback.

 

“Are you alright?” Jisung asks him when he returns to them, and Felix is too scared to answer. He’s not going to do well, he just knows it. Without the snapback how will he stay calm? Looking at the gathered crowd and their buzzing excitement, Felix isn’t just nervous. He’s terrified. He needs Changbin’s snapback.

 

He _needs_ Changbin’s snapback.

 

He needs Changbin’s…..He needs Changbin.

 

He needs _Changbin_.

 

“Hyung.” Felix calls out.  A staff is placing a mic inside Changbin’s jacket when Changbin catches his eyes.

 

“Bbijik-aah...eh, what happened? what’s wrong?” Changbin’s snicker turns into concern, he’s saying something to the guy and Felix sees him getting the mic in his own hand and setting it himself as he approaches him. “Are you sick? Do you need anything?” He checks on Felix, his fingers brushing Felix’s cheek and the warmth is a nice change from the cold gust of wind against Felix’s skin. Then he goes for Felix’s hand, commenting about how cold they are before bringing them close to his mouth and starts blowing his breath into them to warm them up.

 

“Hyung, i’m scared. “ Felix confesses, “ What if i screw up?”

 

Changbin stops and looks at him at him, and after a while he says “It’s alright, to be scared. I’m also.., i’m also scared.” He offers Felix a smile. “but we’re doing this together, aren’t we? We’ve come this far.. Just a little more, Felix.”

 

Felix wants to tell him about the snapback, he wants Changbin to tell him everything will be alright, he wants to cling close, bury his face in Changbin’s shoulder like he so often does.

 

“Hyung, i feel like i’m going to fail? What will i do? i really want to debut with everyone.” _I really want to debut with you,_ Felix thinks but doesn’t say. He chokes instead, clutching on Changbin’s jacket’s sleeve like it’s a lifeline, that if his grip gets loose, he would drift away and disappears.

 

The more Felix thinks about it, the more his heart wavers. The image of Changbin gripping Minho’s arm flashes before his eyes. Will that be his fate too?

 

“Felix...” Changbin sighs. He’s thinking, Felix can almost hear the wheels turning in Changbin’s head. “ Stop saying stupid stuff like that. ” He says abruptly, which is not quite what Felix thought Changbin would say. Felix was expecting something more--...what exactly did he expect? Felix’s mind backpedals. To be consoled? Coddled? When Changbin obviously have other responsibilities weighing him down already. What ever happened to not wanting to be a burden to others?

 

Suddenly Felix is embarrassed by himself, on how clingy he is, how attached he finds himself to Changbin. “ I’m sorry,...for being stupid.” he tells Changbin, “I’ll go now.” and lets his hold on Changbin’s arm drops. (He can feel himself drifting away already.)

 

“Felix wait, that’s not what i meant, Felix--” Changbin tries to get him. But the crowd drowns his voice the second Felix steps out of the tent and into the venue. He smiles at them, waves at them, he grins at Jisung who still eyes him with worry. Felix keeps his smile firm on his face and his hands fisted on his sides. Nobody needs to know how much he’s trembling inside.

 

~

 

Felix looks around and he can only see smiling faces.

 

They’re smiling but Felix knows how it feels to be them. They’re smiling but Felix used to be one of them, schooling his face into that same tight smiles he sees in everyone as he hugged himself and watched Minho leave.

 

Chan won’t stop touching him, ruffling his hair and then fixing it back, rubbing his arm and shoulder while murmuring _it’s okay, it’s okay,_ his breaths are heavy though, and each drags sounds loud in Felix’s ear. Jisung pulls him for a tight hug because he’s Jisung, who probably hope his hug could hold together the pieces inside Felix that’s crumbling apart. Seungmin pats his shoulder, his eyes are wet and there’s a quiver in the corner of his smiling lips. Jeongin and Woojin helps him with his suitcase, Hyunjin is bringing his stuffed plushie for him.

 

It wasn’t long ago that he’s one of them, making those gestures to Minho, hoping Minho would know how much it breaks his heart to see him leaving. Now Felix learns that no matter how hard, how painful it was for him to see Minho leave, it is more painful for the one who is actually leaving. To be told that they’re not good enough for their dream, to hear that they would weigh down the team with their shortcomings. Felix loves his team. He wants to debut with them badly. But he also love them more that he doesn’t want to be a burden for them. He realises how strong Minho was, because Felix cant even fake a smile right now, all he does is cry. Is not like he intends to, but the tears just wont stop falling, like someone opened the ocean in him and now he cant stop from pouring out.

 

“I’m sorry.” he tells everyone for the last time, and his team, _god he loves them_ , lets him go reluctantly. Jisung and Seungmin is openly crying now, Jeongin half hiding his face behind Woojin. Hyunjin smiles but his cheeks are wet too. Bang Chan looks heartbroken when he lets him out the door. Changbin is...Changbin is nowhere in sight, actually. Jisung said he went out earlier murmuring something about going to the convenience store. Felix is disappointed but he’s not surprised. He remembers how Changbin’s mic came loose and dangled awkwardly while they performed, he remembers the way he interrupted the staff from placing the mic correctly on Changbin when he called out for him. And then Changbin, for the first time ever, and during an important part too, cracked his voice while singing. He wonders if he had something to do with that too, ruined Changbin’s focus with all his whining. Felix might never know.

 

Still, it would have been nice to see him, Felix minds feeds. To have a proper goodbye, maybe even a last hug? He’s always been clingy and Changbin never seemed to mind. The way Changbin cried at his elimination, the way he grabs hold tightly when they hugged makes Felix thinks that Changbin’s world was also crumbling at that moment. So it’s just seems so...cold...to let him leave now without something, anything. He honestly thought they were closer than this.

 

“Ahh, really.” Felix sniffles, wipes his nose with the back of his hand and goes down the elevator alone.

 

~

 

Felix gets moved into another dorm, still within a walking distance from this one, still with other trainees, heck he might even meet Minho there.

 

He didn’t though.  At least not in the new dorm, but he did bumps into Minho at the training building. They shared a look, and then Minho hugs him before walking into the practice room for a dance session. “Fighting, Felix-ah.” Minho said with a smile.

 

“Minho hyung also, fighting.” Felix replies, his _Korean Grammar for Beginners_ book feels heavy in his hand.  

 

It’s almost midnight when he left the training building. Although it’s not the first time he’s coming back late from all the training and lessons, it feels weird to be doing all of it alone. Even before the whole Stray Kids happened, he always had Chris beside him, in lessons and or in the dorm, and then there’s Jisung, bright bright Jisung, with his smiles and jokes and witty remarks that makes their everyday hardships bearable. It just feels so unfair right now, as Felix walks the sidewalk back to his dorm alone, that the moment he was deemed unfit to join the group, he had to leave his friends also. Like it’s not enough just to deny him his dream, they have to make sure that he’s miserable by taking his friends away too. And then there’s Changbin hyung who--, Felix stops abruptly, doesn’t allow himself to linger in the thought. It hurts to think about him, so Felix just doesn’t.

 

“It’s alright, Felix.. It’s alright.” He rubs his chest to comfort himself, “Let’s not cry again, okay.”

 

“Hey, Felix.” Suddenly a voice comes from nowhere, no, not from nowhere but from the shadowy bush near his new dorm.

 

Felix’s first instinct is to scream, but then he recognises that rasp, the husk that's only there when the voice drops low enough. So when Changbin emerges from the shadows, Felix only lets out a breath, patting his chest from the residual surprise.

 

“Ahh.. why all of the sudden.. And from the shadows too...Hyung, you’re too much.” Felix hits Changbin’s arm with his textbook, forgetting for a moment how things have changed for them.

 

Changbin doesn’t respond, his face impassive and inscrutable, which is so unlike him, Felix is too used to the loud and playful Binnie binnie. “Walk with me.” Changbin says, turning around and already a few steps in front of him.

 

Hiking his bag, Felix catches up to him. “Hyung wait up.”

 

They end up in a small park near by, both Changbin and Felix are sitting on the empty swing. Felix’s bags and books are on the ground near his feet.

 

Changbin sighs. He’s been doing a lot of that in these few minutes of silence between them.

 

“Are we here for something?” Felix pushes himself forward and lets the swing moves slowly.

 

Changbin stays silent.

 

“How’s everyone?”

 

“Good.” comes Changbin’s answer.

 

“How’s the show recordings?” Felix asks.

 

“S’fine.”

 

“So… do you guys missed me already?” Felix tries again, his swing coming to a stop. “Do you?” he turns to look at Changbin when the latter doesn’t answer.

 

“Of course.” Changbin says after a while, still not looking at Felix.

 

“Hyung…” Felix bites his lower lips, he’s been wondering, and maybe this is the only chance he has to get his answer. “Hyung, why did you scold me? On the busking day… i was really nervous.”

 

This gets Changbin’s attention, and his brows are drawn tight when he looks back at Felix, saying, “I wasn't scolding you. If you stayed long enough to listen you would know.”

 

“It made me really sad. I was scared. ” Felix scrapes the ground with the tip of his sneakers

 

“I’m sorry.” Changbin breathes in, “ I was scared too.”

 

Felix flicks a glance to Changbin and for some reason he feels pricky with annoyance at Changbin's unreadable expression. “You? Pshh. Scared of what?”

 

“ _Things_.” Changbin looks up the sky, he's still not looking at Felix's direction, “I’m sorry i didn't tell you what you needed to hear.”

 

“Doesn’t matter now.”

 

“Yes it does. Of course it does.”

 

Felix decides he likes Binnie binnie more, this Changbin is so difficult, he won’t answer Felix’s questions and he still doesn't know why they’re here, half past midnight and cold as fuck just to play swings in silence. “ Yeah sure, whatever hyung. I’m gonna go if there’s nothing else.” Felix bends to his side to reach for his bag.”

 

“I was confused, “ Changbin starts, “...and i lingered in my own confusion rather than confronting it, and i hurt you while i was trying to figure out things for myself, i avoided you when i could've help and if only---ahh, i hate if onlys. Tsk.” Changbin makes a clicking sound with his tongue.

 

“Don’t use long korean sentences, i don’t understand.” Felix quips.

 

“Yah, punk, I’m trying to say something here.” Changbin turns to him, finally. He looks visibly flustered, and it’s a nice change, at least Felix knows he’s not the only one getting his feathers ruffled.

 

“Okay. Fine. let’s hear it.” Felix settles back, holding Changbin’s gaze.

 

“I know that what happened, you know... happened. But even still, “Changbin licks his lips, his face somber that it reminds Felix of dark Changbin who Felix only gets to see glimpses of when not on stage. “...Even if we can’t stand together in one stage, i want you to-- “ He shakes his head, “I _need_ you to--,.. Do you think you would want to--,"

 

“What? What do you want me to do?” Felix asks, impatience in his voice.

 

“I want you to stand by my side,” Changbin tells him, looking at Felix like he's expecting some kind of answer.

 

Felix has to breathe and count to five to control the anger building inside of him. Unbelievable, Changbin actually comes to see him just to do this? Felix's voice was sharp when he turns to Changbin, “Hyung, why are you rubbing salt on my wound, we can’t debut together, I was eliminated, how am i supposed to stand beside you? like they will let me be in the same stage as you guys? is this some kind of a joke? You’re so _cruel_.”

 

“Felix.”

 

“No. i don’t want to listen anymore.” Felix gathers his books and chucks it into his bag. He’s going back to the dorm. Changbin is being really mean right now.

 

“Felix..”

 

“ I’m not listening. ” He swats Changbin's attempt to hold his shoulder.

 

“ Okay, just look at me, give me a minute.” Changbin tugs on the chains of Felix’s swing and that gets Felix to face him. Changbin is on his heels in front of him, something akin to desperation in his eyes. It’s a similar desperation Felix saw the day he got eliminated, but without the raw tangible pain drowning his irises. Changbin’s face so _open_ , so vulnerable that everything in Felix wants to launch himself at Changbin the like last time when they cried together, he wants to tell Changbin that everything will be alright (whatever it is) and hugs him back into that solid smiling person he knows. But Felix won’t though, because Felix can be stubborn when he wants to be.

 

“These past few days has been horrible,” Changbin explains.

 

“It’s not a holiday for me either,” Felix mumbles. Changbin’s flicks him a glance but he ignores Felix’s remark.

 

“I keep waking up and-, “

 

Felix shakes his head.

 

“--hoping i’ll see you coming out of your room, ”

 

“Not listening.” Felix scowls at Changbin. Again, he is ignored.

 

“--or the kitchen, or the bathroom.”

 

“ Hyung, I’m not listening.”

 

Changbin goes on, “i keep missing the sound of your voice--.”

 

“Okay, i’m leaving.” Felix stands up.

 

“This punk.“  Changbin follows suit, “ I’m trying to say that--”

 

“I don’t wanna hear y--”

 

Changbin’s glare is Felix’s only warning before he surges forward,

 

and kisses Felix.

 

The hand clasping the back of his neck is firm, strong, but Changbin’s lips are gentle, staying still at first before it melts and moves carefully against Felix’s shocked ones, too shocked to even reciprocate anything. Changbin’s hold on him is like an anchor ( _a death choke,_ everyone used to tease him when Changbin kissed him that first time on broadcast) but Felix likes it, it gives him support, it keeps him from drifting away.

 

Changbin pulls back eventually, his breath shuddering, and it reminds Felix of all the times he felt Changbin shivering beside him, and that maybe it wasn’t because of the cold after all. When Changbin finally opens his eyes, Felix can see _everything._ And god, how he’s been so stupid and oblivious all these times.

 

“I was scared... of you.” Changbin confesses, “of how you made me feel  _things._ Things i don’t understand, things that are amazing and exciting, but terrifying at the same time, and i... I avoided you because of it. And i lost you because of it, almost. “ Changbin glances up at him this time, “I’m not scared anymore, Felix. I just.. I hope i’m not too late. I--”

 

"Hyung," Felix cuts him short, lowers his head and leans closer to Changbin’s face.  

 

Changbin blinks.

 

He suppresses the urge to laugh at the sight of Changbin’s flushed face, or the way Changbin’s eyes widens in-- is it surprise? Anticipation? Felix guesses maybe a little bit of both when he places his hands and cups Changbin’s cheeks instead, his thumb stroking gently.

 

They both been stupid and Felix is done being stupid.

 

 _“Hyung, i’m going to kiss you back now, yeah?”_ He tells Changbin, doesn't even bother saying it in Korean.

 

“Yeah.” Changbin answers, almost in a daze.

 

Felix’s grin breaks, and seeing the same grin mirrored in Changbin’s face now makes his heart feels so full. He ducks to Changbin, tilts his face just so, closes his eyes this time, and lets their lips touch for the second time.

 

 

 ~

  

 

When they called him and Minho back for the final mission , the 7 vs 9, Felix tells Changbin about the missing snapback, and asks him where did the hat gets its powers. Changbin only looks at him confusedly, _what powers? it’s just a  regular snapback, i used it because i like it._ Felix grins, it doesn't matter now, he doesn't need a charmed snapback to calm him down, not when Changbin finds him before their stage as 9, and after looking around to make sure no one is watching them, pulls Felix in close for a kiss, murmuring comforting words against Felix’s lips while his hand holds the back of Felix neck and becomes the firm anchor that keeps Felix from trembling.

 

~

 

“Hyunjinaaa… Hyung will still love you even if you snore every night.”

 

Hyunjin laughs, “ Thanks, Changbin hyung. But i want to go with Seungminie..” and with that Hyunjin climbs into their second taxi. Jeongin and Seungmin waiting inside already, while Chan, Woojin and Minho takes the 1st one. Their usual van broke down on the way to a meeting with JYP after they are confirmed to debut as 9, and their managers got them taxis to get there faster.

 

Changbin makes a face and complains loudly. “Changbinnie is sed. No one loves Changbinnie binnie.”

 

“Felix, do something with your boyfriend, we have to goo..” Seungmin chirps from the inside of the taxi.

 

Felix smiles and hugs Changbin from behind, nuzzles his face on the crook of Changbin’s neck and coos, “ I love you, hyung. Now come on, we have to go.”

 

The smile Changbin flashes him is blinding, and Felix never feels so giddy, so happy before.

 

“I can’t believe i have to ride with these two, i’m sitting in the middle, you hear? Ain’t no funny business, i don’t want to see you getting chummy and disgusting in front of me.” Jisung warns before entering the taxi, only to wail after, “ Oh my god, they are kissing in the back seat, oh god why is this my fate i am scarred for life. Somebody, anybody, help me, eommaaa!!.”

 

"Be quiet, you're so loud." Changbin shouts.

 

"Let me be loud, you two are being impossible. If you're going to be like this then you can't break up, ever." Jisung says to Felix, " And if you break Felix's heart i'm gonna break all of your bones," He leans forward to throw a look to Changbin who sits beside Felix.

 

"You gonna what?" Changbin shouts again but there's amusement in his voice. 

 

"Don't fight, both of you." Felix grins, throwing his arms around both Jisung and Changbin's neck while they continue to banter.

 

Felix knows there will be hardships in the future, he knows this road he chooses has many bumps and pitfalls, obstacles and obstruction, but he'll keep running forward, knowing his team is running with him, knowing Changbin won't let him drift away. For them, for his parents, for himself, Felix promises to be just a little braver.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This turn out longer than i expected. Thank you for reading!! Apologies for the abrupt ending ( i just need to get Jisung in, that boy is precious) Also, first fic for Stray Kids, yay. Messy and unbetaed, sorry about that but i hope you enjoyed it. and idk drop a comment if you want? i guess? =]


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